Challenges of Parenting Neurodiverse Children

All parenting involves common challenges. Our society often isn’t set up to support parents in general. When you add neurodiversity in the mix, that lack of support can sometimes feel compounded.

Who are neurodiverse kids? According to Harvard Medical School, “The word neurodiversity refers to the diversity of all people, but it is often used in the context of autism spectrum disorder (ASD), as well as other neurological or developmental conditions such as ADHD or learning disabilities.”

In the United States, 1 in 44 eight year olds have a diagnosis of autism, and 1 in 10 US children have a diagnosis of ADHD. It is easy to see that families with neurodiverse children are a very common thing.

What, then, are common challenges of parenting neurodiverse children?

Behavioral Challenges

This is one of the most obvious difficulties, and one easily recognized by those outside the child’s family. Struggles with regulating emotions, impulsivity, attention, and hyperactivity can all lead to disruptive behaviors. Many of these kids also have anxiety or depression. Sensory processing disorder can make all of these concerns even harder for kids to manage. Parenting strategies that worked for siblings or for children of other parents often don’t apply to these kids, who need understanding of their unique challenges, and individualized approaches. This can also sometimes lead to their parents’ skills being judged, when in fact they are using a toolbox that is bigger than the average one and still sometimes struggling.

Difficulty in reading social cues and nonverbal communication are common with neurodiversity. This, coupled with the previously discussed behaviors, often creates social challenges. These kids may have trouble making friends and keeping friends. It is common for them to experience bullying. Sometimes, they are the ones doing the bullying. At a minimum, they may react in intense ways to other children’s behaviors or perceived slights. Their parents must often mitigate hurt feelings- both theirs, and those around them who misunderstand their intent.

Academic Challenges

Learning differences are a part of neurodiversity. Often, these kids are “twice exceptional”- gifted, but also diagnosed with learning disabilities at the same time. They may struggle with dyslexia, dysgraphia, or dyscalculia, for example. In most traditional school settings they will need an IEP or 504 plan to accomodate the environment to make learning less stressful and challenging for them. Any parent who has gone through this process knows the many hours and tears invested in trying to work with the school to plan, and then readjust and follow up as needs change or are not met by the current goals.

Access to Services & Financial Concerns

Along with behavioral, social, and academic challenges comes an array of services. PT, OT, therapy, special education services, feeding therapy, speech therapy, can all come into play. Some of these are offered through the school or early intervention programs, but this still all requires time, effort, and planning on the part of the parents. Evaluation to qualify is sometimes the first step. This alone can be a lengthy process involving several appointments. Where private insurance is involved, copays and deductibles can be a major financial concern. One study found the costs associated with raising a child with ADHD are 5 times higher than average!

Trying to Balance Work and Life Demands

The needs of neurodiverse children when it comes to addressing behavioral concerns, issues at school, academic struggles and planning, and special services outside of school time often requires that parents take additional time away from work to take children to appointments and to meet with teachers, etc. Although some jobs are mandated to allow FMLA time for parents to care for any special needs their children may have, this is not a guarantee with all job situations and this is often unpaid time. It can be a balancing act for these parents to be present for their children while maintaining full time employment and regular income.

Finding Calm Within the Chaos

My own experience with neurodiverse kids has certainly flexed my expectations and my approaches to parenting. I am much better now, I hope, at meeting my kids where they are at, and honoring their differences. This means considering alternative education approaches such as unschooling, forest schools, and democratic schools. It means taking extra time to work on lagging skills and having the patience to problem solve with them rather than demand they fit their square peg into a neurotypical round hole.

It also means I absolutely must take care of myself- even if it means all I can do is have a glass of wine and a hot bath! I often hear the analogy of “you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before you can save someone else,” and it definitely applies here.

Moral of the story: if you are a parent raising neurodiverse children, give yourself some grace in the face of the additional mental, emotional, and physical load it can bring. And if you know someone who is raising neurodiverse kids: give them some grace too. And maybe a helping hand if you can spare it!